“NO. HANNAH!”

I’ve dreamt of her every night since that fateful day and I think I always will. She was my best friend, my advisor and my saviour. To her I am eternally grateful and I will always miss her. You see, she showed me the way and despite all the hurdles and opposition we faced I don’t regret any of it, not for a second.

“Come back to bed, J.”
“I will I just want to get this down.”
“Hurry. I am cold without you.”
“I’m coming my love. Just go back to sleep.”

I can’t help but smile as he does that cute thing he does. I can’t explain IT, but it is so typically him and one of the many reasons that I love him. Craig and I have been together now for three glorious years. I treasure every memory we have made and I hope to make many more together in the future.

So how did it all begin?

Craig and I had attended Oak Hill Boarding School since the tender age of eleven and had been best friends and roomies since our first meeting. I can’t pin point the exact moment our relationship became more intimate, but Hannah’s arrival during sixth form blew our whole situation wide open.

I remember the whole thing like it was yesterday…

Hannah waved gloomily at her father’s retreating back under no illusion this would be the only time she would see him this year and he was too wrapped up in Toni, her evil step-mother to even notice.

“It does get easier.” Mrs Jenson the kindly, old, Head Mistress slipped a comforting arm around her shoulder.
“Oh I know.” ‘At least it can’t get any worse.’
“I’d like you to meet someone who is simply fantastic. John-Paul!”
“Just a sec.”

Hannah looked up for the first time, as a pair of scuffed football boots ground to a halt in front of her and she came face-to-face with the sexiest blond haired blue eyed boy alive.

‘Maybe it won’t be too bad here after all. In fact this could be interesting.’

“Give us your case. So you’re next door to me and Craigy?
“I guess. I mean that is what Mrs Jenson said.”

John-Paul couldn’t help but roll his eyes in amusement.

“I’m guessing she doesn’t like the idea of us being up here on our own any more. We get away with all sorts.”
“You do?” Hannah wasn’t sure whether this scared or excited her.
“Well that would be telling now wouldn’t it? John-Paul quipped. She couldn’t help, but turn to putty under his gaze. He had the most stunning smile. So there is the bathroom and the showers. You need anything just knock.”
“Thanks I will.”
“When you are sorted come and join us.”

Hannah collapsed onto her new bed, which happened to be a double as she was bunking on her own, Bobo held tightly against her chest, tears falling silently. However as she reminisced about her old life, her home, her school and her friends sounds of fun and laughter filtered into her consciousness. As she looked out of the window over the grounds she failed to hear the stranger entering her domain.

“You got a light?”
“AHHHHH!”
“Sorry did I scare ya? Do you want one?”
“No. Thank you.”

What she really wanted to ask was what the hell he was doing creeping up on a defenseless girl, but he started talking again before she had the chance to recover.

“So…you’re the new girl? J’s right you are kinda cute. I’m Craig Dean by the way. You are?”
“Hannah, Ashworth. And I have never been to a boarding school before.”
‘You don’t say.’ “You’ll fit right in. Just give me a hand with this. Lets really get the party started.”

Craig waved a half empty bottle of Vodka in her face, she decided now wouldn’t be the best time to inform him she didn’t drink.

“We need some new tunes.”
“Obviously.”

Swept up in the moment and Craig’s insistence, Hannah traipsed in Craig’s wake as he put a mix CD in the player, before heading over to a stunningly beautiful brunette who had been checking out his backside, kissed her lightly on the cheek and led her to the centre of the deserted dance floor, as all eyes turned to them.

“I am so sorry. Dance with me?”
“I know. Me too.”
“Am I forgiven?”
“Always.”

Stood on the outskirts of the dance floor, leaning casually against the wall, drink in hand, Hannah’s eyes were once more drawn to the sparkling spheres of one John-Paul McQueen. His attentions seemed to be firmly occupied by none other than his room mate and her new found friend Craig Dean. Despite holding the school’s prettiest and most popular girl in his arms, Craig seemed to be desperately and rather obviously in Hannah’s opinion flirting with John-Paul. He finally cottoned onto the fact she was looking over at him and in order to quash her suspicions he twirled her onto the dance floor as far away from the loved up couple as possible.

“You want to dance?”
“Sure.”
“Sorry If I was ignoring you just now it’s just I was…never mind it isn’t important.”
‘I could tell.’ “No don’t be daft it’s fine. We don’t have to dance if you don’t want to…”
‘I don’t, but-’ “Of course I want to dance with you. In fact I am sorry for being so blunt, but I have to say you are…simply beautiful.”
“Thanks I mean you are too. I mean you are good looking.”
“Thank you very much. Do you want another drink?”
“Yeah, but a sit down would be great my feet are killing.”
“So, what would you like?”
“Anything, but the punch. Your friend over there spiked it.”
“What Craig?”
“Yeah with Vodka. I am guessing he has big plans for whatever her name is.”
“Sarah? Believe me he won’t need it.”
“Sorry. I take it you and her don’t get along then?”
“You could say that it’s just she’s very…shallow.” He finished rather lamely.
“And what Craig is Mister Deep and Meaningful?”
“Okay I do take your point, but there is more to him than you may think. Well more than her anyway.”
“I don’t really doubt that.”
“Can we talk about something else?”
“Sure.”
“So, what are you into then Miss Ashworth? Clothes, make-up, gossip…”
“There is more to me than that I’ll have you know. But you did forget shopping.”

There was something about this girl that John-Paul found endearing. She was beautiful, smart and not afraid to laugh at herself, but he wouldn’t say she was confident. They collapsed into a fit of hysterics caught short as their eyes connected, the urge to close the void between them overpowering. They were brought back to reality by Craig sitting down opposite them, clearing his throat noisily.

“Do you want something, Craig?”
“Don’t be like that. Can we talk?”
“Later. If you’re not too busy.”
“J? Please?”
“Later, Craig.”
“Fine.”

John-Paul pulled back hastily, embarrassed by their close encounter.

“Do you want that drink?”
“No. Thank you. I may as well finish unpacking.”
“Okay, see you later then.”
“Yeah, bye.”

Hannah kissed John-Paul on the cheek before walking passed Craig who shot a death glare in her direction. She was suddenly very sure about one thing; this place was going to be interesting.

* * *

“…So I danced with her. Sue me.”
“You were all over her, Craig.”
“She’s my girlfriend it would have been weird if I wasn’t.”
“What are we then? Is this just about the sex?”
“You know it isn’t. I’ve told you already.”
“Told me what Craig?”
“You want me to say it?”
“No I need you to.”
“Fine. John-Paul I love you and I want to be with you. I will tell Sarah when the time is right, as we agreed, but for now…come here. I want you.”
“I want you too. Just promise you will tell her.”
“Soon I promise you.”

Hannah couldn’t believe how thin the walls actually were. The boys may have been doing their up most to remain discreet, but she could hear every word of their conversation and she was well aware she needed to speak up before she heard anything else.

KNOCK KNOCK

“Who is it?”
“It’s Hannah. Can I have a word?”
“Sure, come on in.”
“Look I am going to get right to the point, because this is quite embarrassing and I really just want to get to sleep.”
“Oh okay.”
“These walls here imagine them more as…say windows with me on the opposite side.”
“You heard us?”
“Oh God.”
“No don’t panic. I’m not here to judge or anything. I just wanted to pre-warn you that I can hear everything, so can some things be kept quiet?”
“Yes of course. Thank you for telling us.”
“Look I know this is really none of my business what with only having arrived today, but shouldn’t you tell Sarah about you two as soon as? She isn’t there to be used.”
“You got one thing right it is none of your-”
“Sorry, he is slightly touchy about the whole Sarah thing, but he is working on it.”
“I don’t get how no one else knows.”
“Sorry. Why?”
“You are hardly subtle. I mean you have eye sex and flirt all of the time.”
“What the f**k is eye sex?”
“You’ve never…that’s not important, but you two do it a lot.”
“Really?”
“Like when?”

Hannah settled on John-Paul’s bed as the boys had realized they could now relax in her company and were cuddled together on Craig’s.

“Like when you were dancing with Sarah earlier. You didn’t take your eyes off John-Paul once. You need to be careful.”
“I…I I…how do you know that?”
“Because I was looking at him too. Actually John-Paul there is something I wanted to ask you.”
“Sure.”
“I am going to assume you are gay, right?”
“Yeah that is fair to say.”
“So why did you nearly kiss me?”
“You did what?” Asked Craig half annoyed and half amused.
“I was kinda hoping we would skip over that. He couldn’t help but blush furiously. It felt right in that moment. Plus I was so desperate to get back at him. I am so sorry it wasn’t the best idea I ever had.”
“You were jealous of me and Sez?”
“I guess.”
“He really was. You may need a better plan. How long have you two been…?”
“Together?”
“Not long really. It’s just-”
“It has taken me forever to accept that I am in love with a man. I was so scared of what everyone else will think. In a way I still am which is where the Sarah thing comes in.”
“What exactly are you scared of?”
“My family are so traditional and the rest of the students here…I guess I just wanted to fit in. And then there is what I actually feel. I have never felt this way about anyone before. It is terrifying.”
“I can relate to that, but don’t lose him out of fear Craig. Believe me you will regret it.”
“Is that you talking from experience?” Craig couldn’t help but sound skeptical it was very unlikely anyone, especially this girl had any idea what he was going through.
“Yes I know exactly what is at stake.”
“Who?...I mean…sorry you don’t have to say.”
“No it’s okay. I fell in love with my best friend, which obviously you can relate to. The only difference is that I never told him how much he meant to me and then he passed away from Cancer last year. His mum left me with a letter and a gift box he had made me explaining that he had always loved me and he was sorry he never said so until it was too late.”

Hannah hugged her knees tightly to her chest as she struggled unsuccessfully to hold back the emotions, which she had by all accounts been repressing for months.

“Oh Han that is incredibly sad.”
“I am so sorry.” Craig couldn’t help but feel a little guilty for pre-judging her.
“Me too, believe me. So my point is that you two belong together, promise me you won’t throw it away.”
“I promise. I really do.”
“Me too.”
“It is late. I’ll leave you two to get some sleep. Your secret is safe with me.”
“Yours is with us.”
“Night guys.”
“Night.”

* * *

It was six o’clock when Hannah finally woke from a fitful nights sleep. She knew she should be taking the medication she had been prescribed, but despite all the warnings she was scared of erasing Andy from her memory completely, having him present in her dreams couldn’t do her any harm. She figured that being in the attic bedroom she would have the most spectacular views of the sun rising and setting over the school’s grounds. Sleepily she stumbled over to the windows to look out. What she saw was better than any sunset it made her soul sing. Craig and John-Paul were cuddled together enjoying one another’s company; she couldn’t help but sit and watch them, as they seemed so content that she didn’t want to disturb their happiness. This was however to be short lived.

KNOCK KNOCK

“Hello, Hannah? Hannah Ashworth.”
“Yes that’s me.” She waved over dramatically in the boys’ direction hoping they would take her hint.
“Can I come in?”
“Just a sec.” In a final ditch attempt she wolf whistled at them and they seemed to notice her as they scarped out of view.
“Hi.” She opened the door to find herself face to face with that girl Craig had been dancing with yesterday.
“Hi. I am sorry it is early, but Mrs Jenson asked me to give you your timetable and the shortened version of the school tour and then she wants to see you in her office after breakfast. Anyway, how have you settled in? You met John-Paul and my Craigy yesterday.”
“Yes I did and it isn’t as strange as I thought it would be coming here and Craig and John-Paul are lovely guys.”
“Yeah they are. I’ll leave you to get ready. I’ll meet you in the canteen in half an hour.”
“Right. See you.”

Hannah barely had time to breathe before there was another knock on her door.

“Who is it?”
“Us. Can we come in?”
“Why not I have just met your girlfriend.”
“I know. Did she see us on the roof?”
“No. My whistling saved your bacon, but I can’t vouch for anyone else. It is a little risky.”
“It isn’t. The roof is flat, so it can only be seen from the attic.”
“I really don’t want to know how you know that, but that is so not the point I mean Sarah is…my buddy.”
“What?”
“She has been told to look after me. How can I be all pally with her when I know about you two?”
“Can you just try for us?”
“I am going to tell her. I promise.”
“You have to before you get caught out. I better get a move on she is waiting for me.”
“Thanks Han.”
“It’s my pleasure. See you later.”
“Yeah bye.”

* * *

Hannah’s first few months passed by uneventfully, despite the continuous disturbed nights and Andy filled dreams she was really enjoying herself. She was still refusing to take her medication, which often resulted in her experiencing periods of low mood which she hid from her new friends, by keeping herself occupied by encouraging Craig to be more open in his relationship with John-Paul.

“Sonny over here!”
“I’m open!”
“Sonny pass to me.”
“Find the space guys!”

*CRUNCH* *WHISTLE*

“[bleep]!”
“What was that?!”
“He did that on purpose.”
“Let me at him and I will brake more than his leg!”
“Craig, calm down.”
“He may have done serious damage to your leg, J. Get your cheating ass back here, Sonny!”
“Why? So you can do me FAGGOT!”
“Are you serious?”
“Craig leave it, please.”
“I’d listen to lover boy.”
“I am NOT and I repeat this NOT GAY.”
“He’s a guy.”
“I can see that.”
“Well you are shagging him.”

Craig fell silent, but in all fairness none of the team seemed surprised. They were just embarrassed that Sonny was bringing it up now.

“[bleep] OFF Sonny.”
“Is it true then?”
“Craig…ju…just leave it.”
“No. Tell us is it true?”
“I…I…how can you ask…I have a girlfriend. Have you all forgotten about Sarah?”
“No, but she wants to know as much as us.”
“It’s hardly a secret is it?”
“Anyone else?”
“Cr…”
“I am NOT GAY!”
“Cr…Craig.”

Finally overcome by the pain in his leg John-Paul’s head banged on the pitch and he started to fit violently. Craig dived to his side, tears falling, and desperately muttering apologies under his breath.

“Call an ambulance!”
“Move back he needs space. That means you too Dean.”
“I need to go with him.”
“FAG!”
“Me too. He’ll be okay won’t he?” Hannah slipped a comforting arm around Craig’s shoulder.
“I won’t forgive myself if he isn’t. I do love him.”
“I know and so does he Craig.”

As Craig knelt by his side willing with all his heart he could change what he had just said his mind cast back to the first time they kissed and confirmed their love for one another.

Flashback

The tension in the air was electric. He lay on his bed and I lay on mine, both of us determinedly facing the opposite wall. I knew he was still awake, his breathing was still too heavy, too rhythmic. All I could do was look at him. His muscular body was rising and falling with every breath, I could tell he was crying. I had hurt him badly. I wanted to reach out and touch him, to snuggle in behind him connecting us as one. It is amazing how a single moment can change ones life. That had happened to me today.

“So…”
“So what?”
“Are we going to talk about it?”
“About what, Craig?”
“You know what?”
“What happened before Craig it can’t happen again.”
“Wh…why?”
“It just can’t.”
“And if it does?”
“Just think of Sarah.”
“She has nothing to do with this J. When we kissed it was amazing simply out of this world. I never knew a kiss could feel like that.”
“Stop it.”
“You felt it too.”
“Stop it please.”
“Why should I? Give me one good reason.”
“You want a reason?”
“Yes. Tell me why.”
“Because I love you okay. I’ve fallen in love with you.”

The door had slammed shut before I’d even taken the time to breathe.

‘He loves me. He really loves me. [bleep]. What am I going to do? Do I tell him the truth? What is the truth? Something happened today that’s for sure, but I can’t say it is love. He is my best friend. Damn it! What am I going to do? I know what I want to do. I know he wants it too. I just have to convince him. God this can’t be happening. I have fallen for a man and not just any man my best friend John-Paul McQueen.’

I jump out of bed and hurriedly get dressed. I need to find him to explain. I head directly to the orchard. I know exactly where he will be.

[i]“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why did you kiss me?”
“You wanted me to. Didn’t you?”
“Yes I’ve wanted you to since the moment we first met, so why today?”

I knelt down on the ground directly in front of him, cupping his face in my hands.
“I’ll be honest with you J. I don’t know why today was any different to any other day, but when we are alone I just want to...you know what this is stupid. You don’t even want to know.”
“I d…I do. Please don’t stop.”
“Well I can show you better than I can tell you.”

Our mouths clashed harshly together, a mixture of teeth and tongues. Finally he parted his lips and my eager tongue entered his mouth, desperate to explore and taste every crevice. My hands took on a mind of their own and rooted under clothes desperate for skin on skin contact. Unfortunately we were brought back to reality with a bang as we came up for air to see a group of girls giggling and sprinting back towards school.

“[bleep]. What do we do?”
“Nothing.”
“What?”
“We do nothing.”
“And when Sarah finds out?”
“I’ll work it out. I love you too.”
“You mean that?”
“Always.”

Luckily for us no one or more specifically Sarah didn’t seem to believe the rumours flying around. We had our escape, but from that day on things were very different.[/i]

Craig had been scared that day, but today had been on a whole new level. He couldn’t loose him. Hannah had made him face up to that.

“Craig! Craig are you okay? Sarah’s harpy cry rent the air. OMG! What’s happened?”
“Sonny and a bad tackle, but he has also had a fit.”
“He also seems to have had an…accident.” Sarah professed a little too loudly.

Hannah followed Sarah’s smug face to John-Paul’s crotch area and realized he had wet himself. She was on the verge of removing her coat but was beaten to it by a determined Craig, who having removed his football shirt barged threw the scoffing crowd to cover him up and conceal any further embarrassment.

“Sarah I have something I want to tell you.”
“Not now Craig I have a hair appointment booked.”
“Well this won’t take long and it won’t wait.” By this time the crowd had fully turned their attentions on them.
“Well alright.”
“The thing is I never wanted to hurt you, but I don’t love you as you deserve to be loved.”
“Don’t say it.”
“It’s not fair anymore Sarah I can’t keep lying.”
“Stop.”
“You know this anyway I am guessing, but right now I need to tell you. I am in love with John-Paul. Just so you all hear that I LOVE JOHN-PAUL MCQUEEN.”

The whole crowd cheered, but then gasped in total amazement as Sarah slapped him forcefully across the face, so hard that the sound echoed around the grounds, before leaving him to embrace his true love.

“You did it! He would have been so proud of you.”
“It’s just typical he missed all that.”
“Oooooo…ow! Where…Craig? What happened?” Craig supported John-Paul into a sitting position.
“Nothing, Beautiful. Absolutely nothing.”

He towered over John-Paul and tenderly brushed their lips together. His tongue eased its way into John-Paul’s accepting mouth, licking and tasting every crevice, their tongues danced together battling furiously for supremacy. As the kiss grew deeper and more passionate the boys completely lost themselves fighting with clothes and buttons, desperate for skin on skin contact, as they ground and bucked their throbbing erections together. Finally Hannah called a halt to proceedings as she for one didn’t wish to see a live sex show.

*Whistle* “Get a room guys!” *Whistle*
Craig stood up albeit reluctantly and supported John-Paul to his feet.
“Wohaaaa.”
“Steady. Sit back down. The ambulance is on the way.”
“Ambulance? I thought you said nothing happened.”
“Well not exactly nothing. You had a fit.”
“Was it a bad one?”
“I…I don’t-”
“Yes.”
“How do you know?”
“Andy used to have them…at the end.”
“So you have had them before?”
“Once. I’m on medication.”
“And you’re taking it?”
“I was.”
“John-Paul! You can’t be serious.”
“Pot, kettle and black comes to mind.”
“Your medication is slightly more important than sleeping tablets. Why are you not taking them?”
“Because now I am okay.”
“You have been okay because you were taking them.”
“You idiot.”
“Don’t you have no idea what they did to me.”
“I think I do. But the alternative is worse, J. Go and get them.”
“The same can be said to you.”
“Not really you could die I just won’t sleep.”
“Is that true?”
“Yes, but it’s not as simple as…what about your depression?”
“What?”
“I saw your other pills.”
“You snooped?”
“No I just worked it out.”
“I can’t believe you would…that is private.”
“Why didn’t you tell us? I thought you were okay.”
“I am. So what I get down every once in a while who doesn’t?”
“Han, you need to take them.”
“Pot, kettle and black.”
“Han, please? You have to.”
“Don’t tell me what to do!”
“Talk to me.”
“You should have talked to me too.”
“Hey. Stop it! The point is you should both be on whatever pills you are supposed to be on.”
“You’re right, but it is a choice.”
“So you should respect mine.”
“Let me get this straight. You are both willing to die rather than take one lousy pill?”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Craig, please wait.”
“Pathetic.”
“Craig let me explain.”

So accompanied by Hannah and Mrs Jenson, John-Paul went to the hospital for a check up.

* * *

John-Paul returned later that night to find Craig sat up on the window ledge, smoking a cigarette, the moonlight flooding the room.

“So what is your excuse? I kinda understand Hannah’s to a point. I mean loosing the memories she wants to keep, so she can grieve that is hard, but you…I’ve just found you and you want to leave me.”
“It isn’t like that. The meds I was taking were to reduce swelling on my brain and obviously stop the fits. They made me so ill. I couldn’t leave the house. I wasn’t living. So one day I asked what would happen if I didn’t take them.”
“And?”
“Well the short hand version is that I would eventually die, but in the mean time I would have a life and that is what I want Craig.”
“But…”
“It’s my choice.”
“So what about me?”
“That decision was never about you. I haven’t been sick once this year and that was the first fit I have had.
“So I am not important?”
“I never said that.”
“Tell me you have changed your mind then?”
“I can’t. But in my defense I never thought I would fall in love like this, especially not with you.”

Once again Hannah had been sleeping restlessly. She was jolted back to reality as her head bounced off the headboard. She didn’t even bother to check her alarm as it was still dark outside. However, as she strained her eyes she could make out the outline of a lone figure perched on the school roof surrounded by a cloud of smoke.

“Craig!” She shouted in to the night, but received no response.

*Whistle*

The figure took a final drag on their fag before stubbing it out and waving in her direction. Five minuets later there was a quiet tap on her door.

“Come in.”

Craig entered, his body shaking and his eyes streaming. Hannah patted the bed, telling him to get in beside her. What they both needed was to feel loved.

* * *
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Craig woke to find himself embraced in the arms of someone totally unexpected. He was about to sneak out, when he had a flashback to the previous night’s argument with John-Paul.

“It’s not about you.”
“I never thought I’d fall in love, especially not with you.”

“[bleep]! Han wake up.”
“Errr…mmmm…Craig? Please say we didn’t?”
“No don’t be daft. We wouldn’t. You were there for me last night and I just wanted to say thank you.”

KNOCK KNOCK

“Han have you…Craig?”
“Now this is not how it looks.”
“We just talked.”
“But…you…her…”
“Nothing happened J I love you.”
“Don’t!”
“It’s the truth.”
“He was upset he just needed comforting. I swear that is all that happened.”
“I wouldn’t cheat on you.”

After several moments of awkward silence and deep cleansing breaths John-Paul spoke.

“I know you wouldn’t. It was just a shock.”
“I can imagine.”
“At least you are not with Sarah.”
Craig’s face changed from utter relief to hurt and anger within seconds.

“So not only am I not important in your decisions you thought I would go running back to Sarah at the first opportunity?”
“I never said that.”
“Which part?”
“You are important to me.”
“Just not enough for you to live.”
“You don’t understand.”
“You’re right I don’t. Tell me or don’t you trust me?”
“Of course I do. The Sarah thing was me being stupid and scared. And I do want to live that is exactly why I am not taking the pills.”
“What? That doesn’t make sense.”
“Sit. Let me explain it to you, to both of you. When I first took them I was fine, great in fact, but two months in and the sickness and dizziness started. At first it was a few hours, but suddenly it turned to days. This last year I have been fine. I don’t want to be nursed I want to go out and live life. Make every moment count.”
“I guess I can appreciate that. I mean these tablets make me feel crap too. I never knew what it was to feel anything I was always blank, like a zombie. No matter how much it hurts me remembering Andy and about what happened I need to so I can grieve and process my thoughts normally.”
“Do you see where we’re coming from? You are still a big part of my life, but I can’t go back on the meds. That isn’t me just being stubborn it is medical opinion. So if you want to be with me you have to respect that decision. Do you want to be with me?”
“You know I do. I love you.”
“The same applies if we are going to be friends. We are going to have to support one another through this.”
“We will.”
“You guys better go. Save me a spot in English.”
“Will do.”
“See you in a bit.”

Hannah observed her reflection as she straightened her school tie, she was all psyched up ready to the face the day and she was sure she finally had the backing of her friends. When suddenly there was another knock on her door.

“It’s open. Sarah? OMG are you okay?”

The girl stood before her was in total contrast from the day before. She was shabbily dressed, her hair was wild and her makeup was running. It looked as though she hadn’t been to bed.

“You knew about Craig and…him. How long?”
“Is that important?”
“Yes. He said he loved me. He said we had a future. How long?”
I don’t know exactly. But you have to face it is over and move on. Find someone else, someone better.”
“There is no one better. I love him.”

Before she knew what was happening Sarah was crying hysterically on her shoulder and she was rubbing her back soothingly.

“If you love him you’d want him to be happy.” ‘I however am going to kill him.’
“I do, but we were happy.”
“I am sure you were, but you need to take the high road. Get out there and show them you are still on top. You can have anyone you want.”
“You’re right. Lets go.”
“Wohaa hang on a second. You should do this, but they are my best friends.”
“But you said-”
“I know, but Sarah what they have…it’s special. Many people don’t find that in a life time. If you could see them together…”
“[bleep] you!”
BANG
“I am sorry. I really am.”
* * *

“Are you ready for this?”
“As I can be. We can’t hide forever.”
“I know, but a few days would have been nice.”
“You’re telling me.”

To John-Paul’s surprise and his own, Craig sought out his hand and interlaced their fingers.

“We’re in this together.”
“Promise?”
“Yes.”

First period was always loud and chaotic on a par with feeding time at the zoo, but as the boys entered a deathly silence filled the air. That was until Mrs Jenson entered the room and all normal conversations resumed.

Thankfully they survived the day together and apart relatively unscathed. They ignored the likes of Sonny and Justin who took great pleasure in making digs and stupid comments behind their backs. It was in PE that their first confrontation arose.

“What are you queers doing in here?”
“Getting ready for practice like the rest of you.”
“Ignore him J.”
“I’d listen to lover boy if I were you. I wouldn’t want to scare you again would I?”

Everyone felt this was crossing a line and even Justin was provoked into defending them.

“That’s enough Sonny just give them a break.”
“We are on this team we have every right to be here.”
“I don’t want you getting cheap thrills off me.”
“Believe me we don’t.”
“I bet you do, don’t ya Dean?”
“No. Not from you.”
“Or Sarah apparently either.”
“Leave her out of this. You know nothing about it.”
“At least she is free to find a real man now.”
“She’ll be lucky in this hell hole.”
“As long as she is happy.”
“Like you are, you mean?”
“I am happy. I’m in love and I am not afraid to admit it. Those of you who have a problem with that are just jealous.”
“Of you two?”
“Sonny I am starting to think you protest too much. You want a piece of this really.”

Sonny’s expression turned to one of disgust as John-Paul winked at him seductively, ignoring the obvious giggles from his team mates.

“I am not gay!”
“You may have more luck with the men that the women. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.”
“Actually I don’t think it would make a difference J.”
“Ha Ha, so funny.”

Thankfully the coach arrived to quash the start of world war three.

“Handbags away ladies. I pick this team you lot just play, got it? We work together regardless of personal circumstances.”
“YES COACH!”
“Right lets go.”

* * *

The term was finally drawing to a close. It was a mere two weeks off Christmas and the end of term dance. Everything seemed to have settled for the boys, but Hannah seemed to be going through a rough patch, which as per usual she was unwilling to share. She was missing classes, spending hours alone in her room, not eating or drinking and crying constantly. John-Paul and Craig were concerned for her as they were aware she was still not taking her medication and she was brooding deeply over past memories, refusing to speak to anyone.

“Han, can I come in?”
“No.”
“Please I am by myself. I want you to tell me all about Andy.”

Hannah could not believe what she was hearing. She was happy for the boys, but recently they had been so wrapped up in themselves that they had not once asked her how she was.

“You sure you have the time?”
“Yes of course. Hannah I am so sorry I have neglected you. I made everything about me and Craig, but I know you’re hurting and that Andy is a major part of that, so tell me about him, every little detail.”
“And you’ll listen to me?”
“For as long as it takes. You have been here for me.”

She opened the door and invited him into her pit to sit down.

“I just miss him so much you know? Here is a letter he wrote me with this gift box. His mum hand delivered them the morning I moved here, she broke down in my arms. He’s kept everything John-Paul from the day we met. I mean there are photos, ticket stubs, menus, lucky charms and programmes.”
“You obviously meant a lot to one another. No one has ever done anything like that for me before.”
“We did I hope. It’s just-”
“What?”
“There is one box in here I really can’t open.”
“Why?”
“Because it is the only one I don’t know what’s in it. It has its own note card and everything.”
“You’ll never know either if you don’t look. Do you want me to…?”
“Please. I’ve read the note it just says “I mean it”.”
“Well here goes.”

John-Paul opened the plastic case and inside resting on a foam cushion lay a white gold band with two diamante hearts in the centre, inscribed with the words ‘Forever Mine’.

“It’s beautiful, but I don’t think I should wear it on my hand all the time. I mean I don’t want to lose it.”
“Put it on a chain then. I have one you can use.”
“Thank you J-P that is a great idea.”
“It is gorgeous though. He has great taste.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“He must have done. He loved you.”
“Thank you.”

Tears welling Hannah buried herself in John-Paul’s protective embrace.

“You know you can talk to me anytime, right?”
“Yeah I know. It just all seems so silly though. I miss him, he is dead, what can you say or do?”
“That’s not the point, Han. Me and Craig will always be here if you want or need to talk. Remember we promised one another.”
“I know. Thank you.”

* * *

Over the days that followed Hannah’s mood seemed to be more stable and she immersed herself in the elections for the dance committee.

“I liked the Eighties idea.”
“Isn’t formal a good enough theme? We don’t want to make it too difficult.”
“Why do we need a theme?”
“Because I am chairperson and I said so.”
“How about love and romance?”
“That’s hardly original.”
“And it’s Christmas.”
“Perfect timing then.”
“I like it. We can have hearts and flowers. That’s decided meeting tomorrow lunchtime.”
* * *

The day of the dance finally arrived and with the support of the committee and John-Paul and Craig, Hannah spent the afternoon transforming the sports hall into a romanticized winter wonderland. With an hour and a half to go she pronounced herself satisfied, so everyone disappeared to their rooms to get ready.

“You look damn sexy in that suit Mr McQueen I just want to rip it off you.”
“So do you Craig, but the dance starts in fifteen minuets.”
“Plenty of time.”
“No way. Save it till later. Tonight we are dancing.”

Craig suddenly looked very worried. He patted his jacket pocket and relaxed when he confirmed that he had provisions.

“You are okay with this aren’t you?”
“Of…ye…for the last time I am honoured to be your boyfriend and your date whatever happens.”
“You sure?”
“Always, Beautiful. Always.”

John-Paul couldn’t shake the notion that Craig had started his own private party early; he seemed to be too calm and he was stumbling slightly, propping himself against the wall for support.

Hand in hand they strolled into the hall. They spotted a rather stressed Hannah on the main stage berating the cowering second year she had roped into playing the music for half the normal rate.

“No S Club that’s all I am saying, okay?”
“Drink?”
“No! I mean no thank you. I am a little worked up right now.”
“So I see. Come and take a seat, it will all be fine.”
“You think?”
“I know. Just relax.”

Unfortunately John-Paul’s prediction couldn’t have been further from the truth. An hour into the dance courtesy of his provisions Craig was nearly on the floor and quickly getting on John-Paul’s nerves. The situation was not helped by the arrival of Sarah Barns looking absolutely stunning on the arm of a practically bouncing Sonny Valentine.

“Ssssarah mmmmmmmy lovely daaannnce with *hic* m…*hic* me?”
“I think you have had a little too much to drink, Craig. Maybe later.”
“Get lost Dean.”
“Aaaannnnnd Sonny soooo smart wivvvv myyyyy girl.”
“She’s not your girl anymore Dean.”
“Lets go and sit down.”
“Listen to lover boy.”
“I…I I want S…Sarh.”
“Then go and get her because we are over.”

In that instant Craig seemed to sober up, as he realized what he had said.

“J I didn’t mean-”
“Yes you did. I hope you are both happy together.”
“[bleep]!”
“John-Paul! Wait. He’s just drunk.”
“Yeah well that is when you say exactly what you want, isn’t it?”
“Nn…maybe. Look he loves you. He chose you. He’s just scared you need to talk.”
“I don’t want him like this. Get him some water.”

Indignantly John-Paul stormed back to their room, leaving a near unconscious Craig with Sarah and Sonny and a liter of water.

Half an hour later Craig woke up with a banging head to find himself surrounded by the football team.

“You feeling any better?”
“Why? What did I do?”
“Ruined our night.”
“And your own.”
“Where is…?”
“In your room I’m guessing.”
“He stormed off.”
“God. I’m such an idiot.”
“No arguments here.”
“What happened, Craig?”
“Nothing.”
“Craig?”
“I…It’s just this whole couple thing. I don’t know where it is heading I guess it freaked me out.”
“Yeah well you can’t hide behind Sarah forever.”
“Go and sort it Dean, before it is too late.”

Crossing the grounds back to the houses Craig could hear Razorlight blaring his and John-Paul’s favourite song into the night, obviously John-Paul was trying to calm down. He slowed down his pace and noticed a rather strange shadow cast on the lawn. It looked something like a cup-cake.

“What are you doing up here?”
“I can ask you the same question. I just never realized how wonderful everything looked. It’s just so…peaceful.”
“Are you on something?”
“No. I don’t think so. Shouldn’t you be with John-Paul?”
“I blew that one big time. I am such an idiot I let my fear rule me.”
“So you know what you have to change.”
“How do I do that?”
“It will take time, but he will give you that. He loves you.”
“I love him too.”
“I know.”
“Shouldn’t you be at your dance?”
“Probably but I didn’t want to be on my own tonight. They’re not the same without partners.”
“I guess not and I have just blown our first one as a couple. This is our song you know?”
“Then what are you doing chatting to me?”
“I guess it’s easier.”
“No one said love would be easy Craig. In fact if it’s worth anything it probably won’t be.”
“Okay Miss Philosophical. You coming inside?”
“I don’t think so. I like it out here.”
“Well if you want to talk later come and find us.”
“Look after each other, Craig. You deserve to be happy.”
“So do you.”
“I will be.”

Craig realized a fraction of a second too late what she was about to do. Arms spread to the side she took a final step off the building. He tried to reach her, but was paralyzed in shock. He crumbled to the floor his face covered, as his body was ransacked by a wave of emotions, tears burnt his chest and throat as his heartbeat quickened. He had to tell someone, she’d planned it, he couldn’t stop her, yet one thing didn’t make sense she seemed happy.

“HANNAH NOOOOOOOOO!”
“J she’s…it’s…she’s gone.”
“I know I saw. Come inside.”
“I…we…I need to tell. I am so sorry about before…I never meant-.”
“I know. Me too.”

They broke down and held each other for the longest time. Observing the other students holding vigil by her body as the news traveled.

Hannah was the one person, the only person in fact who has understood our love. I am just sorry she had to leave us to be reunited with hers. Sometimes we take the long route to happiness both Hannah and I did, but we found it in the end.

“And just for the record I am taking my pills. I found someone worth living for. You see you’re mine Craig Dean. Forever.”
“Great. Now get your arse back to bed!”

THE END